Building Resilience Against Coercive Control

Coercive control is a form of psychological abuse that works silently—through fear, manipulation, and domination—often leaving no visible bruises. The term was first coined by sociologist and gender violence expert Evan Stark, who powerfully describes it as a system in which “the victim becomes captive in an unreal world created by the abuser, entrapped in a web of confusion, contradiction, and fear” (Stark, 2007).

In recent years, the severity of coercive control has gained legal recognition. It is now criminalized in the UK (2015), Scotland (2018), Ireland (2018), Northern Ireland (2021), and New South Wales, Australia (2022), as well as in several U.S. states. But legal progress aside, the emotional and psychological toll on victims remains profound.

At the core of coercively controlling relationships lie threats—sometimes loud and explicit, other times quiet and insidious. These threats are never random. They are deliberate tools used to destabilize, isolate, and disempower the victim. In the most severe cases, the aggressor manufactures what can be called a "d-e-s-i-g-n-a-t-e-d   i-s-s-u-e"—a fabricated problem projected onto the victim to reinforce control. Through subtle, persistent manipulation, the victim is led to believe they have a flaw or limitation that doesn’t actually exist. For example, a highly competent and qualified individual might be made to believe they are unemployable or that “no one is hiring right now,” despite ample evidence to the contrary. Over time, this distortion of reality becomes internalized, eroding self-trust and creating a false sense of helplessness. Recognizing these hidden—but deeply destructive—manipulations is a critical first step toward breaking free from psychological captivity.

Building resilience is the journey back to autonomy, self-worth, and emotional freedom.

Common Threats in Coercive Relationships

Every coercive relationship may look different on the surface, but the threats often follow familiar patterns. Here are five of the most common:

1. Threats of Physical Harm

These can include threats to hurt the victim, their children, loved ones—or even pets. Even if physical violence has never occurred, the suggestion that it might be used can instil deep fear and obedience. Often, the language is veiled in intimidation: “If you leave, you’ll regret it,” or “I’ll make sure you never see the kids again.”

2. Emotional Manipulation

One of the most disturbing tactics is emotional blackmail. The abuser may threaten suicide or self-harm if the victim attempts to leave, forging a toxic bond of guilt and obligation. This creates what's known as a t-r-a-u-m-a   b-o-n-d, where the victim begins to feel responsible for the abuser’s wellbeing.

Other times, the toxic partner flips the script—threatening to leave instead. This tactic is especially effective when the coercively controlled individual carries childhood wounds, such as fear of abandonment. While the abuser rarely follows through their words, such threats keep the victim in a state of anxiety and confusion, always trying harder to “fix” a relationship that is already shattered.

3. Financial Control

Economic dependence is a powerful tool of control. The abuser may threaten to withhold money, cancel cards, or sabotage job opportunities. The stress and chaos created by ongoing manipulation often result in poor focus, underperformance, or burnout—sometimes leading to job loss. Once unemployed, the victim may begin doubting their own competence, falling deeper into the abuser’s false narrative that they “can’t cope alone.” It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy in the “unreal world” the abuser has carefully crafted.

4. Isolation

Coercive partners often sever connections between the victim and their support system. This doesn’t always happen through outright demands; usually it`s more subtle—planted doubts about family members, toxic framing of close friends, or guilt trips when the victim seeks outside contact. Statements like “They don’t really care about you” or “are you sure she is really your friend?” are meant to entrench dependence and disorient reality.

The more isolated the victim becomes, the more vulnerable they are.

5. Threats of Reputation Damage

In the digital age, reputation threats can be especially damaging. Some abusers threaten to share private photos or personal information. Others go a step further—convincing the victim that they are the abusive one and using this manipulation - threaten social or professional exile.

Whether overt or covert, these threats can paralyze a victim with fear of shame, judgment, or loss of livelihood.

How to Build Resilience Against These Threats

Resisting coercive control isn’t about a dramatic escape. It’s about quiet, steady steps that rebuild your inner strength and outer support system. Here’s how to begin.

1. Recognize the Abuse

The most powerful truth to anchor yourself in is:

These threats are not your fault. They never were.

They are not reflections of who you are, but tools of manipulation meant to break your spirit. Naming the behaviour as abuse—whether to yourself or a trusted person—is the first brave step toward freedom.

2. Seek Support

Coercive control thrives in silence and isolation. Reaching out—no matter how small the first step—can change everything. Talk to someone you trust: a friend, family member, support group, or survivor network. You don’t have to share everything at once. Even a single validating conversation can start to shift your perspective.

You are not alone. You are believed. You are worthy of support.

3. Consult Professionals

Trained professionals can offer the tools, perspective, and safety planning needed to navigate your next steps. Domestic violence organizations, trauma-informed therapists, legal advisors, and social workers can help you assess your risk and explore your options. Many offer free and confidential support, 24/7.

If you don’t know where to start, begin by researching national or local domestic abuse helplines. Your safety is worth it.

4. Create a Safety Plan

When you’re navigating threats and fear, having a plan in place provides a much-needed sense of control. Your safety plan might include:

• A list of emergency contacts

• A packed bag with essentials (documents, cash, clothing)

• Safe places you can turn to

• Code words for alerting friends or family

It doesn’t have to be perfect—it just needs to be yours. A plan you trust and can rely on when you need it.

5. Reclaim Yourself—One Small Step at a Time

As safety and support grow, you can begin the process of reconnecting with yourself. Maybe it’s a journaling habit. A return to dancing, reading, or hiking. A course that reignites your curiosity. A single therapy session that reminds you of your strength.

Every small step is a big victory.

Every choice for yourself is a rebellion against fear.

Final Thoughts

Coercive control is insidious—but not unstoppable. The more we recognize it, name it, and talk about it, the less power it holds over us.

Resilience doesn’t mean never feeling fear. It means walking through fear with awareness, support, and a growing trust in your own strength.

You are not powerless. You are not broken.

You are worthy of a life where love does not hurt, and safety is not conditional.

Your story doesn’t end in silence.
It begins with one voice—yours.

The more we talk about it, name it, and understand its mechanisms, the stronger we become—individually and collectively. If you or someone you love is living under the shadow of threats, know this: There is a way forward.

Resilience isn’t about being unaffected.

It’s about learning to navigate danger with awareness, personal and professional courage, and a growing sense of possibility. No threat is stronger than your right to be free, safe, and whole.

You are not alone. You are not powerless. And you deserve a life where love is safe, not weaponized.