Recognize & Avoid Triangulation in toxic Relationships
Toxic relationships can take many forms, affecting personal, family, and workplace dynamics. For survivors of domestic abuse or gender-based violence, recognizing manipulation tactics can be difficult—especially before they fully understand that what they’re experiencing is abuse.
The Manipulator’s Playbook: Wearing You Down
Manipulators use subtle yet relentless tactics to keep you in a fog of confusion, exhaustion, and self-doubt. One of their favorites? Overwhelming you with baseless accusations, complaints, and blame—leaving you in a constant state of stress. Here’s what happens as a result:
Your nervous system is on high alert, as if you're being chased by three lions in the jungle—except the threat is manufactured.
Chronic mental and emotional exhaustion sets in, making it hard to think clearly or recognize the manipulation.
You carry a dark cloud everywhere, unable to shake off the negativity.
Daily confrontations drain your energy, making you more reactive, irritable, and prone to conflict—even with those who genuinely care about you.
Over time, this disrupts your focus at work, affects friendships, and can leave you more dependent on the abuser, if you social circle shrinks.
I’ve been there. Some of my closest friends have, too. If any of this resonates with you, take a deep breath and acknowledge what you're feeling. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward breaking free.
Now, let’s unpack one of the most insidious tactics abusers use to keep you trapped—triangulation.
What Is Triangulation?
Triangulation is a psychological manipulation strategy where a third party is introduced—often unexpectedly to you—to control, divide, or create competition. This tactic keeps the victim feeling insecure, confused, and dependent on the manipulator’s version of reality.
Triangulation does not exist in healthy relationships built on trust and mutual respect. Instead, it is a hallmark of relationships involving narcissists and controlling individuals. By introducing another person into the mix, abusers can:
Foster jealousy and insecurity—using others as pawns to create doubt.
Avoid direct confrontation—keeping their hands clean while inflicting emotional damage.
Maintain control—by creating divisions and alliances, ensuring the victim remains off-balance and emotionally dependent.
If you’ve ever been in a relationship where you felt replaceable, insecure, or constantly compared to others, you’ve likely experienced triangulation.
Common Examples of Triangulation
1. The Love Triangle
This manipulation often starts subtly. An abuser may casually bring up an ex, a coworker, or a “friend” of the opposite gender. At first, it may seem harmless, but when it becomes a pattern, it plants seeds of doubt in your mind. Before you know it, you begin questioning everything—Is this really just a professional connection? Does he still have feelings for his ex? Your self-esteem plummets, and suddenly, you feel competitive and overprotective of your partner.
The reality? He isn’t the most wanted person in the world—he’s just using manipulation to make you see him that way.
2. Hitting Where It Hurts the Most
Abusers are experts in weaponizing your insecurities. During the love-bombing phase, they’ll ask deep, personal questions under the guise of caring—only to store this information for later use against you. Once they sense vulnerability, they strike:
If you’re chasing a dream job, they’ll remind you how others, less qualified, have already achieved it.
If you’re self-conscious about weight, they’ll compare you to someone fitter, making passive-aggressive remarks to keep you insecure.
This tactic works best when combined with triangulation—using third parties as a benchmark to undermine your confidence.
3. Crazy-Making & Reputation Sabotage
An abuser often spreads (threaten to spread) false narratives about you—discrediting you to family and friends. When confronted, they’ll brush it off as a joke and make you seem “too sensitive” or lacking a sense of humor.
The trap? If you try to defend yourself, they escalate the conflict, waiting for you to snap—then they play the victim, claiming you’re the crazy one.
The solution? Don’t take the bait. Instead of explaining yourself, disengage. If it happens in a social setting, excuse yourself, refresh your drink, or start a conversation elsewhere. Let their words fall flat.
Why Do Manipulators Use Triangulation?
For abusers, eliciting jealousy and insecurity is an ego boost—a form of emotional “fuel.” However, their need for validation is never satisfied, which is why triangulation is cyclical—it repeats until you’re completely depleted.
While you spiral downwards, they thrive, having successfully isolated you from your inner strength and external support network.
Top 3 Signs You’re Being Triangulated
You feel like you’re in constant competition for someone’s approval.
You’re being compared to someone else in a way that makes you feel inadequate or insecure.
Direct communication is discouraged or avoided, allowing the abuser to dodge accountability.
How to Break Free from Triangulation
Recognize the Pattern – Awareness is your greatest weapon.
Refuse to Engage in Competition – You are already unique. Know your worth and stop seeking external validation.
Encourage Direct Communication – If someone tries to pull you into a drama triangle, insist on addressing issues openly.
Set Boundaries – Minimize contact with those who consistently manipulate and control.
Seek Support – Surround yourself with people who uplift you—whether it’s friends, family, or a therapist.
Detach and Disengage – If possible, remove yourself from relationships where triangulation is a recurring pattern.
Final Thoughts
Healthy relationships thrive on transparency, direct communication, and mutual respect—never on manipulation and division. Recognizing triangulation is the first step to breaking free. You deserve relationships that uplift and empower you.
